Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Mornin

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

The news is so predictable nowadays

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *