Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.