Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.