Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

🐕🍷

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

I stand by it

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud