Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good work, detective

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

🧠

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.