Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

my nickname in college

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what