Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask