Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Ummm 😳

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

What personal space?

My dog