Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Labreador

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.