LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win