librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Breaking news:
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel