librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.