librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
my first dose meeting my second
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play