Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
middle school in the ’90s
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
aura
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
what the hell girl, sure
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired