Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Brands during Pride
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.