Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Do not levitate over flowers
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Was it something I said?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.