Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Not today.. 😂
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.