Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
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My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
grandpa was shocked
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that