Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg