Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.