Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
new shirt idea
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy