Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

“what that mouth do?” complain

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass