Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

How many? 🤔

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”