Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Hey i am sexy to you now

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.