Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

God, I love Scotland

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Me as a therapist: omg same

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls