Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons