Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.