Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.