Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The internet is magic sometimes.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.