*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
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me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?