@briancthayer

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

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@ScorpionDong

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@chuuew

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

@KeetPotato

[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”

@SvnSxty

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

@IamEnidColeslaw

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

@pixelatedboat

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people