Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people