*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
so weird how every mom was born today