*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files