Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box