*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can