*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…