4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
🙂🙃🥹
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.