*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.