*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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a lot to unpack here
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*knuckle tats*
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