Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
That was easy.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.