Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.