Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?