Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
when she block me on everything
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.