When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Sticker placement is key.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”