Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
You Might Also Like
when someone rings the doorbell
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
This tweet has been deleted
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.