Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.