Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
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How it started How it’s going
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
airing out the snack pack
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]