Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

The second world war should have been called world war returns

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Great Canadian literature.

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum