Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.