Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
How I’d get arrested…
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
How actors in movies eat their food
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: