Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

honey, bring out the fine china.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.