Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!