Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.