Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning my dudes.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I am never leaving this website

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

new wife guy just dropped

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

#titanic

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.