Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

I falcon love using swear birds

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

english majors be like furthermore

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

ME (calling my horse with no name):