Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think