Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.