Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Optional boss fight.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Best seat on the street 😍
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME