Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house