Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey