Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.

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The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.


So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons


My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.


[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*


“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.


DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*


A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?


Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”


The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.