“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
We’re all getting idioter.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”