[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A roof is a house hat.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
😜
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye