[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
🤣🤣
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.