“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.
#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.