@figgled

#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.

You Might Also Like

@George_404

“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@stevevsninjas

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

@stevevsninjas

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

@Shade510

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.