#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.

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“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.


My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.


tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf


I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks


[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*


*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*


Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.


I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.