I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.