Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.