lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
The Assassin.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
#Caturday
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I was bored.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?