Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

My plans: 2020:

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.