LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES