LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
You Might Also Like
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
favorite tropes as memes
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
This is enough internet for the day.
